05/21/10: FRIDAY!!! YAY!!!

It's Friday!  Yay.

Blog over.








Oh come on...do you really think I could say that little in one blog?

We are having a party this weekend just for the heck of it.  A pool party, to be exact.  Just for the heck of it.  I can't wait.  I have pork shoulders in the crock pot right now for the world's best (and easiest) pulled pork ever.  And I'll cook up a pot of chili tonight.

Anywho.

Something interesting is happening with my belly.  Yeah, yeah, it's shrinking - but that's not my point.

I woke up this morning with a feeling.  It's kind of like this strange sensation and I don't know that I can explain it.  But it ties to something that may or may not have happened at dinner last night.  We ended up going to grab dinner at Arby's, although we didn't really do it fast style (aka drive thru and go) we went in and sat down.  But we were going to visit a friend in the hospital (46 and skinny as a bean pole and she just had her second heart attack.  scary stuff!) and if we'd waited to get home to eat (well after 8pm) we would have been famished and would have been bad little people.  So I said Arby's sounds good  and hubby said yeah, it does.  I love their roast beef.  I could care less about the bread.

Who AM I?  What HAPPENED to me?

So I put my desired items in my little calorie tracker to check out calorie, fat, protein contents and decided it was acceptable.  I planned to order the roast beef and cheddar and to eat it without the bun.  Because there would be no bun and I really wanted my protein, I planned to order a large - that would give me precisely 4oz of meat.  And I also planned to help my hubby with his order of curly fries. 

So here's what I actually did.  I ordered exactly what I planned.  I saw the bun, the golden onion covered bun and thought, I wonder what will happen.  I took my sandwich apart so that it was an open faced thing and began eating the roast beef.  It was fine.  And so I took a bite of the open faced thing with the bun.  A VERY SMALL bite.

It went down.  And then it stopped.  And I got this feeling.  And I thought crap.  Crappity crap crap crap.  My goal in life is to never PB or slime.  Isn't that a goal we all have?  But I guess I have to tempt fate for awhile to know where that point is.  I felt like I was starting to slime.  I had put my fork down when the feeling started and then I prayed.  And I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.  Nothing ever came up and eventually it went through.  But it was close.

So buns at Arby's are out.  Ok.  I love the roast beef anyway.  It was how I always wanted to eat these things as a kid and my mom would always get mad at me taking the sandwich apart and making a mess.  But now...well...I can make all the mess I want.  :)

Nothing happened, no slime, no PB, just a feeling.  I finished my roast beef and ate about 5 of the curly fries and I was happy.  And I was satisfied.

I interrupt this program to say...

I decided to take my calorie counting for this meal to the next level just a few minutes ago and discovered that I can actually look up each individual ingredient on Arby's website.  So with just the meat and cheese, well, it's actually not too shabby.  Biggest problem is the sodium content but oh well.  Fat isn't great but it's also not shabby (11g in a 4oz serving of just roast beef, which is also 18g of protein).

Anywho.  I'm happy.  I don't have to feel guilty (not that I would) about a treat that I eat maybe about 5 times a year.  There just aren't enough Arby's around Houston and we really have to go out of our way to get to one.  And most often, it just isn't worth it.

So...I wake up this morning...and I have that feeling.  And sure enough...I think I'm putting my finger on it.  I think restriction has changed.  I am one of those woman that around that TOM, I EAT.  And I eat and eat and eat.  And then suddenly, about a week afterwards, my appetite just vanishes.  This is now that week where the appetite would normally vanish.  Couple that with what may very well be a delayed onset of restriction (fill was last week) and suddenly, I am full every time I take a friggin breath.

Not complaining.  Not at all.  It's neato really.  It's thrilling really.  On the one hand, I want to stop snacking and if this is what I think it may be, I may very well not be interested in snacking today. We will see.  On the other hand, there are days when I struggle to get 750 calories and I have to force feed myself to eat more, via snacks. 

Which leads me to yesterday's blog.  Yes, 650 calories is too little.  No, I don't strive for that.  Yes, 750 calories is also pretty low.  I don't strive for that, either.  On the days when I hit 750 and I'm satisfied, I don't worry about picking up snacks.  750 is my cutoff - below that and regardless of whether I want it or not, below 750, I make myself get more.  I don't shoot for 750, either.  I shoot for between 800-900 because that's what works for me, what allows me to get adequate protein and nutrition and isn't too much and isn't too little.  Above 1000, I don't lose weight.  Our bodies are all unique.  This is what I am discovering works for this one.

I also only record my weight once a week.  Yes, I get on the scale daily - for comic relief.  I track it once a week for the sake of saying "I lost x pounds in y days".  So yesterday's comic relief was solely for comedy purposes.  It did not upset me, bother me, frustrate me or do anything besides just make me laugh.  I am a scale whore and I'm proud of it.

I will also say, back to the calorie intake thing, that my energy is still high.  In fact, even with days where I only consume 750 calories - my energy is climbing.  If my energy starts to take a hit then I will consider more calories, if needed.  But I am not sluggish and I have more mental clarity than I have for a long while.  Almost all calories that I'm consuming are good fuel sources and emphasis is on protein.  I am getting more than enough protein as well as adequate carbs.  Like I said, 650 worries me.  But even at 650, my energy is still high.

And last thing I want to talk about today is how this just seems/feels/is so different than any other time I've decided to lose weight.

It's odd really.  I was doing my workout last night and I was thrilled with the fact that I did it even though I kinda didn't really want to.  We got home late after visiting our friend in the hospital and there was a big part of me that said it was just a day like that and I could do my workout over the weekend.  But in spite of trying to talk myself out of it, I did it anyway.

That's not new for me - back in the day when I was really good about weightlifting and swimming, I would somehow auto-pilot myself to the gym and just do it in spite of what my brain said.  In the Navy we called it "muscling through it".  These muscles want to work and they will not be deprived.

It's funny, when the muscles are happy - so is the brain.  But the brain does so much, sometimes, to interfere.

Anywho.  So there I am working out thinking I've never had this approach before.  Full on mind, body and soul all 100% in this!  I've had mind and body.  I have body and soul.  I've had mind and soul.  But I've never had ALL THREE!  And all of me, every last pore, cell, orifice, organ, hair, fiber, everything - it's all in.  I have taken control in a way that I never imagined.  It started with surgery but this whole process has opened up pieces of me that I forgot I had - muscling through it being a key example.  I used to always do that.  I was tough.  I will say it.  I trained with SEALS to be a rescue swimmer and I was the only girl that could keep up - and I typically outswam them in the open water swims (3 miles in the ocean off Oahu was brutal when you factor in waves/swell but I LOVE that!)  Last year, I would think about what I used to be able to do and I was just baffled.  Me?  Really?  I could do that?  Even I was starting to not believe what I know I can do.  But the me today...put me in the ocean and I'll swim.  I'm right back to ready to try.  Not saying I'm ready.  I'm saying I'm ready to try and that's a complete 180 over this time last year.

I got me back.  I got my tough, no-nonsense, and I'll even say intimidating self back.

Now me and this no-nonsense chick gotta get this body back to what it IS!  Pretty damn hot, pretty dam powerful - and not to be messed with.  I'm done.  I'm not messing with it anymore. 

I have found such respect for this body over the years.  I love that I can have muscles (and do).  I love that I am a bit taller than most and that I have powerful legs and have even had a six-pack in the past.  I love that I have shoulders that are to die for when they are paid attention to, even just minimally.  I love that I have a face I wouldn't change a thing on.  I love that I have great curves and great skin.  But all this stuff, once upon a time...I just wished it were different.  Back in the day I wanted to be petite.  I'm not.  I wanted skinny legs.  Don't got 'em and can't get 'em.  I wanted a smaller waist (when I had a 25" waist, at that!).  I wanted something else.  But not anymore.  Now I want exactly what I've got less ~80 pounds of fat.  I love that I can respect this body now.  I love that I will earn this body back.  I just hope the damage I have caused with the years overweight isn't too great.  Because me and this body have lots of great things in our future!