06/09/10: I finally figured it out

Well, it's Wednesday so I thought I might check in.  And then suddenly this afternoon I had a major epiphany and so I knew I had to blog when I got home!

So for starters, I'm doing what I can to keep up with the blogs but it doesn't help that I was already behind on Monday morning.  I'm working on it and part of this evening's goals are to read at least half of what's in my reader.  When I left class (yes, bad student that I am, I am reading when I can during the day) I had 120-something to read...so I will be doing a lot of reading tonight.

Next...class is going well.  I am really enjoying this class actually.  We will finish our content tomorrow and take our "perception test".  Our teacher hates the test so it sounds like if we question the questions, he'll either give us the answer (depending on how much he hates the question) or he'll talk us through understanding the test-writer's logic.  It's been a good class so far.  Friday will be an easy day as we will go in to learn his distinct requirements for our powerpoints, presentation skills, and report writing for the course that starts next Monday.  That's gonna be a fluffy morning...and then we are turned loose at noon.

Which is good.  My sweet hubby's step-sister is getting married this weekend so we'll head up to the dad/step-mom's house to go to the rehearsal dinner then have a family party "the night before the wedding" and then wedding on Saturday.  I think this will be a wonderful wedding and we are looking forward to it.

And I've decided that nothing in my closet works right for this weekend, so Friday afternoon on the way up, we'll do some shopping so that hopefully I might find something better for this outdoor (in June...in Texas...which isn't "cool") wedding.

Which leads to today's epiphany...

I finally figured it out.  What's that you ask?  IT.  I got IT.  I figured out what IT is.

Did you know I was working on IT?

What is IT?

Goals.  Mini goals along the way.  The end goal.  All of it.  Goals.  That's what IT is.

And what did I figure out?

You ready for this?

Why....

Yep.  Why.  Why I can't declare them, why I don't like them, why I don't want anything to do with them.

You wanna know why?

In a single sentence...

"Because I want to live NOW".

You see...to me...goals imply things like "I will be happy when..." or "Things will be better when..." or anything "when".

And I'm not about "when".  I'm about NOW.

I am happy now.  Losing weight won't make me happy - happiness comes from other places than what the mirror shows me or how people perceive me.  Happiness comes from within.

Losing weight won't make me a better person.  I am constantly working on being a better person but that has nothing to do with what I weigh.

Losing weight won't complete me; it won't validate me; it won't show me who my true friends are; it won't get me more love; it won't undo my past hurts or prevent future sadness; it won't change my life.

I will.

NOW.

Longevity asks me to lose weight for my health.  Feeling better in my body and on my feet asks me to lose weight.  Losing weight helps me to be able to live a happy life longer.  But the happy life is already in effect.  The happy Lori already exists.  She isn't buried in flab, she is out there living.

Which is why I cannot declare any goals.  Because goals to me imply that the future is more important than the now.  And I can't live like that.  I live for now - if I don't, I may never live.  There is no guarantee that the future will happen.  You know that old saying "tomorrow never comes".  It's true.  Tomorrow will always be a goal...and it is entirely unattainable.  Show me or tell me a story of how you lived tomorrow.  I live, I love, I laugh TODAY.  My weight is being taken care of.  That's my reality.