07/20/10: Can you do it?

Is my (self-diagnosed) reverse body dysmorphic dysfunction tied to the fact that I can't look at people and say "she's a size 20 and she's a size 6".  Is my Reverse-BDD tied to the fact that I can't look at people and say "she's 20 pounds overweight and she's 100 pounds overweight and she's 10 pounds underweight"?

I can look at someone that's perfect (in my eye) and say "she's perfect".  But I can't look at someone that I think is overweight (like myself) and say "she's 80 pounds overweight.  Looking at me...I'd say...I need to lose 100.  But I also know that if I lose 100 more...that puts me at 115 and for 5'6" bordering on 5'7" that's WAY too skinny.  But that's what I'd say.  Looking at me today.  That I'm overweight by 100 pounds.  Even though I'm not - not by 100 pounds.  And I know that.

When I was 20 pounds overweight...I thought I was 60 pounds overweight.  When I was 120 pounds overweight...I thought I was 60 pounds overweight.

Reverse-BDD.  And maybe even BDD, too.  I had it when I was skinny thinking I was way too fat.  And then I had it when I was way too fat thinking I still had tone and curves. 

But I can't look at anyone and say anything other than just right.  So not being able to make that comparison...or lack of one, even...does that tie to my dysfunction? 

A good sales lady in a bra shop, in a clothing shop, even at the carnival game booth where they guess your weight - they can do that.  They can say "40 pounds overweight and probably a size 10".  I have no idea how to do that.  In my eye...I'm either fat or not...there's no in between...and I can't remember a time where I thought I wasn't.

But reality is there is in between.  When I was 130 and "fat" (at 5'7") my friends called me Barbie and loved to play dress up with me.  I wasn't fat.  My BMI was healthy (if you believe in that system) and my body fat was at a whopping 18%.  But I saw fat.

Can you do it?  Can you look at someone and think "she would be "perfect" if she lost 10 pounds?"  Can you look at someone and think "she would be perfect if she dropped one dress size"?

Just a question based on a random thought.  Believe me, I'm not worked up over anything regarding this.  I am losing weight.  I am seeing curves where my reverse-BDD eye could only imagine them just six months ago.  I am gaining muscle and therefore appear to be working toward that toned look.  I have ankles again.  I LOVE ankles!  But in an effort to understand this body dysmorphic dysfunction and how it's playing tricks on my eyes...this question popped in my head and I thought...ah...blog!  So here I am.  I am not upset with my body or wishing it was different.  In reality, I am pleased with my progress and with how different my life is today in comparison to this time last year and even ten years ago when I was skinny and thought I wasn't.  I think that today I actually do see me for me.  But I don't want to get to 140 (or somewhere in that ballpark) and be surprised when the reverse-BDD switches back to BDD.  I think I have to retrain my eye...and I think this question might help me.  Can you do it?  If you can, do you think you have any form of BDD?  If you can't do it, do you think you have any form of BDD?

I can't do it.  And I think it does tie to BDD, reverse or otherwise...