02/22/11: I didn't know...

...what I wanted to blog today, but I knew I wanted to blog.  Since I put the date into my title, as I start a new blog, it tries to give me all the titles I could possibly be calling up.  "0" gives just about everything and "2" finally narrows it down.  "/" does nothing to eliminate, but the actual date does.  And sure enough, there's a blog post from 02/22/10.  So I went back to read it.

It wasn't a great blog or anything special, really.  But it's funny.  It's a list.  And 1) reminded me of something.  So did 2).  3) is still something I have an opinion on, but not the same as last year this time.  4) is still true and 5) is pressing on my brain a lot, lately.  6) is still true - although the lopsided-ness has really been remedied and now we find that it's me that's more the up and about and my hubby is the one with the hurting feet.

So here is my random list update.  Old blog in blue, my new thoughts in maroon.


1) I want to remind myself (all y'all can help with this, and have fun doing it) that this six month unweightloss program sucked and bandster hell can't be nearly as bad as this has been. That's what I think because...while bandster hell is a finite period of time - you don't really know how long it's going to last. However, during bandster hell I do not have to try to not lose weight. So even though I can eat whatever and have to use will power not to...I can also be trying to lose weight via exercise and will power. And I've got will power. You don't make it through boot camp without the stuff. This "unweightloss" program has actually helped me get it back.


I still agree with that.  The "unweightloss" program was far worse, to me, than bandster hell.  I think because I started my weightlifting right off the bat, literally, as soon as I was cleared to exercise - that really helped me avoid the hellishness of bandster hell.  In fact, I never had "good" restriction until after the miscarriage so all of my weightloss up until I got pregnant was not really done with much aid from the band.  The band was there giving me subtle reminders that I didn't need to eat it all.  But there was not much stopping me from eating more.  Now, the band is doing all the work.  I haven't touched a weight since October and I keep saying I'm going to start this week...and then, well, I don't.  I do believe I'm going to start tonight, though.  Not my normal routine, just something to start getting the cobwebs back off.  Yikes, that's a lie.  If I start tonight, the scale will not reflect kindly tomorrow which is my weigh-in day for the pay for pounds incentive.  I'm trying to dump, not retain.  So, um, yeah, tomorrow night.  See what I mean?  But I hope you can agree, starting with weights tonight is likely to make me catch a pound or two tomorrow.  Starting up always does that.

Anywho, the "unweightloss" program really sucked.  But at the same time, I am glad I had to do it.  I think I had my head in the game much better because of it than if I had not had to do it.  Worse than the "unweightloss" program was waiting for my approval to come.  That was the worse part of the whole ordeal, but now, at this stage, looking back, I rarely remember any of that crap.  I hardly ever look back to that, really, and I'm so very glad I went through it all and stuck with it and got the band!

2) I was starting to lose my will power. I had the will to do what I thought I had to do - go to work, cook dinner, play sporadically....but the will to be Lori was just not there. I still wanted to swim...but I didn't. I still wanted to workout in the gym...but I didn't. My lack of will power disappointed me. They say that veterans are some of the most motivated people...disciplined, self-starters...I could go on with the list. And what's funny...people I work with still say that about me. But I'm not living up to my potential. And oddly..this much hated "unweightloss" program is bringing "me" back. I'm fixing me.


I still have glimpses of things that make me think I don't have any will-power.  I posted something not to long ago, something about I-suck-itis which all, in general, could be tied to will-power.  But I don't give myself enough credit a lot of the time and I think this pertains to the above paragraph as well as to my not so distant post.


3) The Beautiful Blogger Awards were depressing me. Not that I have many followers and not that I contribute much outside of whining...but I wanted to feel like this blog helps someone. I was about to post a blog about how depressing I found them, how I'd gotten to the point where I just don't pay any nevermind to them...when Tessie Rose gave me a nomination. THANK YOU Tessie Rose! (And obviously, I was paying nevermind to them or else I wouldn't have read hers, eh?)


I don't find them depressing anymore.  The Beautiful Blogger Award was the first one I received and probably had the most impact on my thinking in regards to the awards.  I think, if I'm being brutally honest, that the awards are a catch-22.  While on one hand, they affirm the recipient, they also, on the other hand, can leave the rest of the audience feeling like 'but what about me?'  I know that's not the goal but I see it time and again... 


4) Sometimes I feel like "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat some worms". Not sure if my friends like me or if they just tolerate me because they like my husband. I usually think the latter, hence my song for the day...


Some of our closest friends, I have no doubt, are close because they love my hubby and I'm just part of the package.  But enough has changed over the last year for me to have found a new group that love me and the added bonus is that they love my hubby, too.  I know exactly who I wrote that comment about last year and I still feel the same in regards to that person.  She is near and dear to us both - but if my hubby weren't around, she wouldn't be around me.  I know that without question.  Luckily, our friend situation has changed just slightly, a few more this year than this time last year and it is enough of a change that I no longer feel like "nobody likes me, everybody hates me..."

What a difference a year can make!

5) I still miss my mom more than words can ever say...she was my best friend in so many ways. Meeting my husband, though, made me realize that no one can or should be my best friend like he is. I'm so thankful for him! Back to my mom, though, I had the realization about three months ago that she doesn't really know who I am anymore. She doesn't know that I became a "geophysicist". She doesn't know that my friends call me a gourmet cook. I'm not...but they love my cooking so I'll take the flattery. She doesn't know that I got married nor does she know the man I married. She doesn't know that I am this fat. She doesn't know who I am anymore. Now...at the core of me...she still knows all that. It's daily details that she no longer knows. And maybe she's out there somewhere still keeping her eye on me and maybe she does know all this. But I don't know she knows all this. So, somehow, this loss that is almost six years old, has just hit a new level of loss. And, as it will always do, it makes me sad. I think my mom would like me today. I'm independent, self-sufficient and I'm putting to use all that my parents taught me and instilled in me. I just wish they were still here for me to start pampering them back, like they did with me through the years. Yes, I was spoiled. And no matter how spoiled I was...I always looked forward to the day when I could start paying it back...with interest. :)


Not much to add here.  It is amazing to me how the pain and the grief and the sadness can morph around into different things at different times but at the core of it is just this huge black hole that will never be filled.  I miss my mom.  That will never change.


6) I have the best husband I ever could have hoped for! At the baby shower this weekend, two of my sisters 'n-law, a cousin (the mother to be) and I were standing around talking after the cake had been served. The SIL's made the comment to the cousin that she was lucky, she'd take all the loot home and her DH would put everything away demanding that she put her feet up as he handed her an ice cold glass of whatever. She beamed and said yeah. The SIL standing beside her said.."my guy wouldn't do that" and everyone nodded their heads. The next SIL standing beside her said "my guy wouldn't do that. He'd say 'you wanted the baby, now deal with it'" and everyone nodded their heads. And then it got to me. And I just beamed. And everyone said "yeah, your husband would, too!" And he would. He spoils me rotten! I love being spoiled but here lately, sometimes he has no choice because my feet are just killing me that bad. I spoil him whenever I can and I try to do as much as I can but I feel like it's lopsided. I can't wait until I start losing weight and I no longer need the pampering and can pay it all back a zillion times over...with interest.


I do.  I have the best husband ever.  We have a couple staying with us as they get ready to move into their new home and, these are two of the people now on our friend list that weren't there last year.  Anywho, the husband part of the couple goes out to work for weeks at a time and so we see him here or there but the wife part of the couple is generally always around.  She has been watching my hubby and I and proclaimed last week that she has never seen two people more perfect for each other.  We feel that way but it's somehow affirming to hear it from an outsider who has the bird's eye view.  We are such a perfect team.  Yes, perfect.  Our talents compliment each other as do our inadequacies.  There is a level of respect between us that allows us to be submissive when needed and dominant, as well.  We can work together in the kitchen, in the yard, in the garage, on the pool, on the car, on the finances, on the anything and everything and we just fall into these roles where we fit.  It makes it a pleasure to do even the dreariest of chores!  When we aren't doing chores or working on projects, then we sit on the couch well together, too.  Or at our computers.  Or or or.  Whatever it is, it's best beside him.  He still spoils me - but less out of need, now, than last year.  And my ability to spoil him has picked up a gazillion times over - and is still only getting better.  We both know we are spoiled and we both love it!


But I do spoil him. Don't think I don't...he is a spoiled man and he says so himself.


He says so more nowadays than he did this time last year.  :)


And that's enough for today! I hope everyone has a fantastic week. I hope to...that's for sure!
 
And that's still true!