02/24/11: Oh no!!!

I have been quiet the last couple of days.  I wanted you to know why....

Yesterday morning I had a follow-up appt with my Dermatologist; the one that has been helping me with this incision issue.  When hubby gets home today, I'll try to get him to take a picture of it for me.  To me, it's beyond gross, it's painful (now), it itches, and it's just not ok.  My surgeon does not agree.  Any other doctor I've seen, however, does.  When the dust settles from this, I will be filing a complaint on my surgeon - the one that did the surgery, not the one that follows me now - with my insurance company as well as with whomever else I can.  My "surgeon's" response to this was beyond inadequate.

Anywho, there has been a new development with the issue.  Namely - the issue has spread.  I now have the accompanying rash on my legs, chest, back, arms - you know, basically, all over.

So my Derm takes one look at it and says "this is what we were afraid of...you have xxx".

For the life of me, I can't remember what the clinical term was.  All I know is I don't really care.

It's curable, it's fixable, I will get past this.  But the cure, the fix, and the getting past this all lie in getting the band removed.  He wanted to do more skin biopsies to be sure it is what they think it is so we'll know for sure next Thursday.

Well, he, luckily, asked if I had time to get the biopsies done.  I said, well, yeah, but I have this other appt with my neuro at time x.  He said, ok, go to that then come back to us.

So I did go see my neuro; that appt was for follow-up regarding the headaches I've been having.  I told her what my ob/gyn did in figuring out my progesterone was inadequately low.  She said ok then, his treatment should help solve the headaches next month.  I should be almost done with the headache this month...

So then she goes over all the lab work she requested.  And my thyroid is beyond low.  Normal is 0.45 - 4.5 and my 'score' was 0.19.  She said she wanted more labwork to test for antibodies.  So I asked, would the antibodies be tied to an autoimmune disorder/response?  She says yes.  I said, ok, then look at this and I pulled up my shirt.

Oh good God, she says.  Yeah.

Her next response - "I've seen that before and I can tell you, you're going to have to get the band removed".

We had a long conversation about all of this going on with me, during which I absolutely lost it, and well, the hormones and the pregnancy/miscarriage are probably not tied to this autoimmune response I'm having - it certainly didn't help - but this all in all trend of just not feeling well is probably ALL tied to, in effect, being allergic to the band.

She told me that it's more common in people that have bypass than lap-band but because our bodies now hold food in a place of the stomach that food is not meant to be held, that's probably what is triggering the autoimmune response.  For some it's worse than others but she says she has seen this time and again.

I whined a little about not having lost all the weight and she said, "statistically, you were never going to.  Furthermore, statistically, you would probably never keep it off, either."

I disagree with that because I am at 4.7cc's in a 10cc band.  I have a long way to go before I am filled out completely which means plenty of wiggle room to adjust for various changes that will happen over the years.  But that's all moot now, anyway, in my case.  Probably.

Our friends that are staying with us - I was talking to 'the her' part of the couple last night and she said she's not worried about whether I can do this without the band.  She said she watches how I serve my food and I've developed a great eye for knowing what is a good serving. This girl is tiny - 5'2" (maybe) and a size 2 on a "fat day" and she said, because of me, she sometimes realizes she's served herself too much and she puts some back to match what I got for myself.  She was a personal trainer for a number of years and she told me if I can keep that up on my own, I'll be fine.

But that's the problem.  After the miscarriage, before I got my fourth fill, I did slide backwards.  I could eat and I did just because.

Smartly, she told me not to compare that very stressful and emotional time to normal day to day stuff.

She has confidence in me and so does my hubby.

It's not a done deal but I know that, for myself, at this point, I have to think like it is.  Why, you ask?  Because I have to get my brain onboard with how I'm going to continue this journey without the band.  If I don't have to lose the band, well, then my brain is onboard with this journey.  If I do have to lose the band, I don't want to be surprised next week and discover that I'm already out of control.

Next Thursday I have a follow-up with my Dermatologist as well as a consult with my ob/gyn and an appt with my PCP about the thryoid issue.

In all of this, it was also determined that my B12 was low.  It's still in the normal range but it's a smidge on the lower side of normal within that range.  The range is 211-946 and I was 468.  If perfect is right smack dab in the middle of that range, then perfect is 578.  So, I'm lower than perfect but nowhere near out of range.  I know that B12 helps with energy and metabolism (thyroid issues) and that it also contributes to CNS health (autoimmune disorders) so I'm not opposed to taking the supplement (sublingual 6000mcg) but I also doubt it's enough to fix it all.  I did dutifully go get myself a bottle (or two) to just see how it helps.

My dermatologist also gave me a prescription for an anti-itch pill when I went back to get the biopsies done.  That anti-itch pill has me loopier than a loop, and I'm still itching - but nearly as much.

And the final thing I want to share is that I had surgery nearly 11 months ago and I've lost 53 pounds in that time.  Altogether, from the start of it all, I've lost 70 pounds and I'm still counting.  While I've felt better not having to carry that extra weight around anymore, since surgery, I've never really felt well.  Something has always been achey, sore, crackily, painful, or something.  If it hasn't been the incision itself, it's been port pain.  If it hasn't been port pain, it's been actually being able to physically feel the band.  I don't (and have never) expect(ed) that I will feel exactly the same as the last time I weighed 194, but I, sometimes, feel far worse than I ever did at 264.  That has been the oddest part of this journey, something I didn't want to complain about or even think about, but I have been left, on many days, wondering "why did I do this?  Is this really what I was after?"

I think about getting the band removed and the word that comes to mind...you ready for this?  Relief.

I was super healthy before the band.  I do not feel even remotely healthy right now.  I had a month last summer where I did not let myself swim to try and let this incision issue heal - and it hasn't, still, halfway through winter.  I do not want to lose anymore time swimming!  I weightlifted like crazy for months and I was not able to ever really work in ab-work because it just aggravated the incision even more.  I am sooooo sick of having to be cognizant of what this incision can do - eleven months later.  I am losing weight to have freedom - and I do not feel free.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that in the last 24 hours I went from freaking out about "how will I do this" to "please, take it, take it now!"  I see that I will have scars to remind me of this journey and maybe even enough scar tissue around my stomach to help me not go crazy with eating.  I see that I will heal and I will be my healthy bouncy self again.  I see that I did all this to myself to make myself serious - and that serious is something I will have to hang onto.  I see that I have great friends around me who want me to succeed and will help me do so.  I see that, in my case, the band just isn't worth the price I'm paying.

I see relief.

I'll keep y'all posted!  And I'll make the commitment now, band or no band, I will not ever stop blogging.  I know that blogging will be instrumental in keeping my head in the game.  Band or no band, this blog, and all of yours, help me in all aspects of my life.

This whole ordeal, though, also makes me want to ask - how do you feel?  I am thinking of Jen from Oregon in this, too, and wondering if it is fibromyalgia.  Did those symptoms start before the band?  Or have they all been since the band.  I think of Sally Hamilton and see that she is taking charge of everything and really sticking with the journey.  I know I'm not alone.  And I suspect there are more of us than not who just don't ever really feel well.

So there's my news...

Hope y'all are having a great week!