09/13/2012: September's moving along

It sure is.  It's moving.  But isn't that what months do?  I know you've heard me say this a gazillion times but I'ma say it again.  I just can't wait for next weds!  It truly feels like it's a turning point day.  I have no idea which way it will turn.  I guess, in thinking about it, I've been giving it two options but there's really a third.  Here are the different paths my life could take next weds.

1. Doc-specialist does surgery and I am cleaned up well and I go on depo and am out of pain.  I stay on depo until we are ready to start trying for pregnancy number 2 - no sooner than one year from now.  I stay out of pain for the duration.
2. Doc-specialist does not do surgery.  In which case I will take me and my problems elsewhere.  I am thinking my plan B is to really see what pain doc can do for me and to bring my ob/gyn back into the mix.  I would discuss with ob/gyn getting back on depo and what we could do for the *rubbish* that is still in there.
3. and the final one - one I haven't been considering at all, but which I probably realistically ought to.  Doc-specialist does surgery -  but it does not relieve the pain.  In which case, if I'm being honest with myself, I think that would mean a hysterectomy is imminent and pregnancy number 2 (and maybe even 3) would not ever happen and I will never get another chance for a baby girl.

I know another pregnancy or two does not guarantee me I'll get a girl.  And given my husband's family trait of only producing boys, it's pretty unlikely I'll ever get a girl, anyway.  But I want to try.  Because while I want a girl, I also want a huge family and I know I'm a good mom for boys.  I'm not blingy.  I don't do girly well.  I love me some cars and motorcycles and football and camping and bbq'ing and, well, not girly stuff.  I could raise a very strong-willed independent young lady into an amazing woman - and I know this because it's what my mom did with me, it's what her mom did with her, it's what my great-grandmother did with my grandmother - and so on and so forth.  I know that what has been passed down through generations in my family makes for amazing women and I know I would continue that legacy.  I know Husby would be an amazing dad to a baby girl and that he wants one as bad as I do.  But I also know that there are no girls whatsoever in his family lineage (on his dad's side) for the last 100 years plus, up until about two years ago when his brother had a girl of his own.  First in that family in forever.  And I suspect my husband really can't make a girl.  

I know there are no guarantees.  But I will be sad if I cannot have a girl.  If what my mom and I had, and what my mom and grandmother had and what my grandmother and my great-grandmother had - if I never get to experience that from the mom side, that will be something that forever makes me sad.  But I also know, like I said, I'm probably much better as a boy mom.  Everyone that knows me tells me that - and when I think about it, I have to agree.  I've heard it takes a special woman to raise only boys.  We all, of course, want that balance, one boy one girl.  Well, most all.  I do know some that only wanted boys or only wanted girls.  But most I know wanted one of each.  And most I know went for that third child just for that one last chance of having whatever they didn't have with the first two.  And I know a lot of the time, that third child is still what they already have.  I look at Blue and Green and I absolutely want more of them.  I want them to know what it's like to be big brothers.  I want them to know that they aren't our only noise makers.  I think they already know that, though.  For as much as they sit in my face and yell at me (cutest thing ever) - I do it right back.  There's been this sort of bewilderment, lately, and it almost looks like they're are recognizing I'm a little wild, too.  Daddy is our calm and collected one.  But even he, when the boys get yelling and I get yelling and we all get to giggling - even Daddy will let out some roars, too.  We're just this family making noise and having fun doing it.  It's so awesome!

Anywho...there is this very real possibility that this basket I'm putting my eggs into - that I get to learn about next week - might not be my solution.  And if I do have to go to a plan c, another failed surgery, well, that means some serious devastation for me.  Because, yes, I want a girl.  But the truth is, I just want more.  But I know that I cannot live like this very much longer and Husby has at least 9 more months before he'll have the green light to possibly start trying to procreate.  (Just love that word!)

It will always be irony to me that God gave us exactly what we both wanted in one pregnancy.  Husby wanted two kids very close in age.  His ideal, he said, was two years.  He wanted his children to never have the rift that he and his brother have, which he attributes, primarily, to a big difference in age.  I wanted to never have an only child.  In one pregnancy we got it all.  Our two biggest concerns.  30 seconds apart - can't get much closer than that.  Birth certificates really read like they're a minute apart, but it wasn't a a full 60 seconds between when each boy was yanked into this world.  And both instantly not an only child.  I pray to God it stays that way.  

I saw my pain guy yesterday.  He is afraid another surgery won't help me.  He really really really wanted me to be prepared for that.

I love my pain guy.  I think it's got to be rough to be a pain specialist.  For one, he's really putting his neck on the line for every patient he prescribes unending narcotics for.  That's got to be nerve wracking to say the least.  I am thinking he really is able to get a sense for drug seekers vs. real problems, though.  It's strange - once upon a time we needed referrals to see specialists like him or doc-specialist who may or may not do surgery on me soon.  But now, I can do my own research and decide these guys have the key to my problem and I can set myself an appt and just be there.  No more gate keeper.  I know the old system was annoying and meant seeing an extra doctor just to find out what you already knew - by going to the PCP first, is what I'm talking about.  And now we get to save money and cut out that gate keeper.  But like with this pain doc...no gate keeper means a drug seeker can just make himself an appt and be there.  Pain doc has got to have some great radar to know the difference.

And it's funny - by looking at me, you'd probably never know I'm in pain let alone severe pain.  I sit in his waiting room and I definitely look like the odd gal out.  Others are there on walkers or in wheelchairs. They have noticeable limps and the decades of pain are on their faces.  And then there's me, able to smile and talk to my husband who is sitting beside me.  Wait.  What?  Until you start to poke on my belly - which all docs do.  Then I'm on the ceiling and you can't talk me down.  I'm never not in pain, but it's easier to hide it when docs aren't doing things to exacerbate it.  Husby can look at me, after nearly 6 years together, and know I DO NOT feel good, at all.  But coworkers are wondering "what's her problem".  If you don't know me, I just look like your average fat girl. One coworker here is able to see the pain on my face.  He's a good friend of mine and recently became my boss.  I think that's a blessing because he knows how much I hate this, how much this goes against who I am and how I like to behave, and that while the doc appts are excessive, they are needed and he is helping to ensure I don't have resistance here in the whole getting past this endeavor.

It's so funny how things like that happen.  I got this new boss just in time to really need someone understanding.  Just like when my mom was told her cancer was terminal.  I had a boss then who'd lost his mom to colon cancer and that boss said "just do what you need to, we'll cover you while your gone."  My mom was in Cali and I was here.  I flew out to Cali for a week every third week.  While I was here, I'd work 2 weeks straight to make up for everyone covering me.  Then I'd take a week off to care for my mom and lighten my step-dad's load.  One trip, in late March, I didn't like what I saw, so I just stayed.  And I stayed through the middle of May, my mom passing away in early May. And my boss held my position.  No one in that lab hated me or didn't work with me through that horrible time.  But I always tried to do what I could to let my coworkers slack off when I was home.  I'd pick up extra shifts, I'd work a 16 so someone else could work an 8 instead of a 12.  When I got back here for good, each of my coworkers took a week off with me covering their time and responsibilities as well as my own until everyone had recovered from that difficult schedule that we wound up working so that everyone could accommodate me caring for my mom.  Just huge.  When I think about it, when I've needed little things like that in my life - it's been there.  Including now, with this.

In other news, Blue is sick.  And Green just got the bug.  Eye infections, ear infections, sinusitis.  Just brutal.  Blue didn't sleep well Sun, Mon, or Tues nights.  But he slept fine last night.  But today, Green's turned from ok to not.  So I suppose the not sleeping will kick in him for him now.  This bug is coming with an horrible cough.  It's so pitiful to hear your babies coughing through the night.  We took Blue and Green both to the doc on Monday and Blue was started on antibiotics and eye drops then.  Our doc told us if Green developed yellow or green nasal discharge or started tugging on his ear to just call and she'd fax over antibiotics for him, too.  So he'll start his antibiotics tonight.  My poor sweethearts.  Blue just wanted to be held all of Monday and Tuesday.  It was so sweet.  We are not cosleepers but I did take him to bed with me Monday morning and the way he just nuzzled into me was so peaceful and amazing.  As soon as Green woke up that morning we got him and took him into the bedroom too and just snuggled as a family for a little while.  What a great start to the day - even if it was for a no good reason.

Ok, that is all.  Not much going on.  Just trying to get to next Weds.  And while I have no idea what's going to come of that, it's been a bit of a mental turmoil getting through this hurry up and wait phase. 

I hope y'all are having a good week.