03/04/11: Have another dose of hurry up and wait

For starters...what a difference a year makes.  Check out the blog from 03/04/10.  I don't feel like or think I have that enthusiasm anymore.  Sad.

I think I can honestly say, knowing what I know now, that I'm not sure I ever should have been banded.  I needed something to get my mind in the game...but given the problems I have had since surgery, well the price I am paying is far greater than the results I am getting.

I am not into it like I was through the summer.  That pregnancy/miscarriage really took it out of me.  Couple that with the on-going incision crap as well as hormones from hell, and, well, I am not putting in any effort.  I guess I should be thankful that the band is helping me to not regain any weight.  But I am at a point, I see now, that being thankful for this turmoil is just not something I can do.

Anyway, all that to say, I just don't have the enthusiasm about "my new life" like I did this time last year.  My new life doesn't really seem to be better.  In fact, I have traded trouble-free health...for 3-4 doctor's visits a week.

My PCP, Ob/Gyn, and Derm all say that it's no surprise that my surgeon washed his hands of this.  Apparently, according to all three of them, that's what surgeons do.  They want all the credit for healing and curing and fixing and solving.  But they want none of the credit for the little odds and ends of things that can come up because of slicing and dicing on someone's body.

My surgeon probably did heal me in some ways.  And this incision issue is all me - it has nothing to do with his talents or skills.  If I do go the route of having the band removed, I won't be going back to him.

So I suppose  you want the update - since yesterday was a solid block of Doctor's appts.

Ob/Gyn = don't try to get pregnant.  We'll revisit that in May, probably.  Too many loose ends but headache relief might, might, be in sight.  Won't know until next month...

(month meaning cycle, so it will really be this month that I get an answer...)

Derm = I am having an allergic reaction to something.  It could be any of the myriad of pills I now have to take to deal with all the symptoms.  But, given that I have not taken all of these pills since surgery, really, have only been taking them since January - and this reaction goes back to May - well, it's probably the band I'm reacting to.  We are actually hopeful that the unfill from Monday was a good thing.  May be my body is super sensitive to restriction and not necessarily to the band.  So we are going to watch it for a month to see how it goes.  After the unfill on Monday and coupled with the cream and pill I am now taking to deal with the symptoms, well, the rash is gone on my stomach and fading in most other spots on my body.  The itching is still incredible...but the appearance is better.  Anywho...hurry up and wait.

PCP = TSH is probably not an issue.  Like I said last week and I think once or twice this week, too, the fact that my T3 and T4 were both perfectly normal means my thyroid is fine.  There may be something going on with my pituitary gland...but it's also feasible that the allergic reaction - and the resultant antibodies - is causing something to be skewed, too.  Get the allergic reaction under control and I'm probably fine.  My PCP wanted to redo the test and see if we could replicate the results.  When I showed him what's left of the rash and the crazy scarring with the incisions, he then wanted to do a food allergy panel - and just to be certain, lets do the respiratory allergy panel, too.  So those results will be back in a few days and they'll just call me.

In the meantime, I actually don't have any follow-ups again until April!  Woohoo!  That's something to celebrate!

I find no humor in how pathetic my life has gotten.  I do not like to live at the doctor's offices.  I love all these people that are trying to help me but I cannot wait to be rid of them.  I am sick of this.  Absolutely and totally sick of this.

I want to find a way to make the band work.  That much I know.  I have been run through the ringer with a plethora of little things and through it all, I've not gained anything back.  I think in my pre-banded life, the plethora would have been good for at least twenty pounds.

I like my current "restriction".  It's so crazy that so much fluid had to be taken out.  But I am certainly not wide open right now.  I was too tight for too long and never should have resisted that.  Funny for that to cause a rash!  With my current restriction, well, I gurgle and burp "just right".  There's a way you gurgle and burp when you are filled "correctly" and apparently, over the last eleven months, I have learned which sounds are good and even ideal and which sounds may very well mean we are headed for trouble.  Anywho, the sounds I am hearing right now are of the good and ideal variety - for me. 
It's odd, too, though.  Last night we had pulled pork with my homemade bbq sauce and cole slaw.  I can't stand cole slaw most of the time so I literally just had pork with my bbq sauce on top.  My hubby does the sandwich, I don't.  Anywho, I served up what looked like 4ozs of meat - you know, proper size for anyone, let alone a bandster.  As a bandster, that's what I should  be able to eat.  The band should stop me from eating more.  Yeah...have you ever measured out 4ozs of pulled pork?  It's a ton!  I couldn't eat it all.  But I probably ate at least twice as much as I would have this time last week.

Next week I get to start my weight-lifting again!  I am excited about that!  Our roomies will be out of there and the house will be all ours again!  I am surprised to learn that I really don't want people seeing me while working out.  But I suspect it's more of a case by case thing - and in this case, this friend will "coach" me...even though she'll probably only be telling me to do what I already do - and then she'll take the credit when it works.  Nope.  The credit will be mine.  I put my program together, I know what my body responds to, I know what my brain enjoys, I did this to me!  I WILL TAKE the credit.  Not up for negotiation!   So I won't work out in front of her, around her, with her, etc.  We can walk together.  But the lifting weights - that's all mine!

Sigh....

There's more to say there but I won't.  I've already said too much.

Finally...if there are any people reading this that are contemplating the band - I think my case is actually a sound reason why the band should be pursued and not another type of WLS.  Here's why.

My body is responding to something - most likely how food is processed now.  Any WLS changes how food is processed.  The band is restrictive.  Bypass is malabsorptive.  The sleeve is restrictive AND malabsorptive.  So on and so forth.  Apparently immunological responses to WLS are common.  But the only one that is reversible - thereby removing the source of the problem - is the band.  If it winds up having to go that route for me, well, I am still intact and not screwed.  I did ask yesterday how this would be different if it were bypass - and the answer there is it's like Crohn's Disease - you just treat the symptoms for life.  In my case, taking out the band will almost assuredly solve my problems.  It's also why, though, I cannot consider the sleeve or bypass or anything else.  The issue is most likely not (and I mean, like 99% not) the band itself but just simply how food is processed.  My body doesn't want anything other than how nature made it.  We are hopeful that it's fill level and not overall processing.  If it's fill level, then it means I am sensitive to food being held in the stoma - and if fill level is too tight, then food stays too long in the stoma.  If I am just right or even too loose, then food can move through - and my body is happy.

There is no way of knowing, unfortunately, whether you'll have an immunological response to WLS.  But if you do and you've done something permanent, well, that's tough.  Only the band is reversible.  That's key to me - it always has been.

(And even though it's reversible, it's still not.  There will always be scar tissue....)

I am glad I tried it and I am praying I get to keep it.  If I can get this all resolved and settled - then I think I will get my enthusiasm back, too.  Right now, though, it's all just exhausting.  I just never feel good anymore.  70 pounds down and I've never felt worse.  Yay me!