06/14/2012: Thank you. Again!

Blogland never ceases to amaze me.  I bare my soul here.  In real life, people don't want to touch that with a ten foot pole, it seems.  TMI, they claim.  But here, the more I bare, the more I'm loved.  It seems that's how it "should" work.  If I'm baring my soul to you in real life it's because I think 1) you can handle it, 2) you act like you like me, 3) I have the need to do so for whatever reason - and I rarely choose to do so, and 4) it's probably because "you" have with "me", too!  But, it rarely works out.  I'm judged, or I'm condemned, or I'm whatevered and baring my soul usually means I get hurt.


I hate that I'm in a realm where I need to bare my soul.  And trust me when I say there's still a ton I'm keeping in.  I know Husby doesn't really want to know what I think right now - and I don't blame him.  But on the off chance that he decided to come here and read what I think to protect himself from a cryfest that would happen if he actually asked me, well, I'm keeping quite a lot to myself so that he can't read it, either.  If he really wants to know - and I know in what cases he might decide he does - then he can ask me.  But I hate to think of getting to the point that he wants to know.  He'd either be asking me because 1) this is all behind us and he can or 2) because this is not going to end well.  So...let us continue to pray for only #1!


So what's up with me today?


Lots of stuff.  I want to talk about the band.  I want to talk about non-weightloss while fat.  I want to talk about baby making.  I want to talk about life.  But I don't ever seem to cover all that I feel I want to cover.


I read a blog today by Kagead.  It was pretty interesting.  It got me thinking about my own place right here, right now.  I have a band.  I've had it for 2 years and 2 months and a few days.  I lost 41 pounds with it and I lost 70 pounds overall since starting my journey back in 2009.  But right here, right now, I'm gaining. I'm up 49 from my pre-pregnancy low which means I've gained back all that I lost with the band as well as some of the pre-surgery, too.  And I have no interest in losing right now because Husby and I, in spite of all that is going on, are still going to try and get pregnant this month.


Tangent:  I use fertilityfriend.com to track BBT.  That's basal body temperature, if you aren't aware.  I take my temp first thing in the morning at generally the same time each day.  I tell this program my daily temp and how I feel that day.  And it tells me when I've ovulated.  It's something that it tells you after the fact.  But this program also "grades" you on how well you timed your marital activities during your window.  In the two times that we got "A's", we got pregnant.  One was the miscarriage.  The other was the twins.  In all other times, we got "C's".  If we know anything about my cycle and we use it even remotely right this month, well, we're 2 for 2.  So...can we make it 3 for 3?


It's so amazing how WRONG sex-ed is!  What I thought I knew all along was so not right and it is because of BBT and learning MY OWN body that I figured out what we needed to be doing.  I'm sure we woulda gotten pregnant eventually using what we knew from sex ed.  But it's so much more of an efficient process when you understand the bodies involved!


And learning BBT and tracking it for myself even helped with weightloss!  I lose weight better in the luteal phase, when progesterone dominates.  In the follicular phase, I pretty much just hold steady.  But seriously, when my BBT jumps, as it does when you ovulate, it's like a weightloss switch gets tripped, too!  Practically taught me how to truly time my "heavy duty" workouts!  Make 'em more meaningful.


Anywho, tangent complete.


So I'm not trying to lose.  I had an appt yesterday with my GI about all my issues with the endometriosis.  And he had to legally tell me at the end, as my weight was up from the last visit with him, that I am fat.  He knows I am not doing anything right now with that info.  He knows I have the tools to do so and that I was successful with the band before pregnancy.  He knows.  He had to laugh at "having to legally tell me" because he knows it's meaningless info right now. But he also has to legally report to the state, to the feds and to my insurance company that I "am a fat person who is gaining weight".


Damn Gina!


Yes.  I need to literally hurry up and get done having kids.  Getting done with the baby making days will 1) allow me to lose weight for good and 2) get past the pain of endometriosis.


We are not having more kids this quickly to suit either of those notions.  We actually want them to be close in age.  It was the plan all along.


But it's so weird to be considered a failure right now.  I know I'm not.  My GI knows I'm not.  My ob/gyn doesn't even bring it up even though "legally", yes, he is supposed to.  But we all know I am in this kind of in between phase.


I can sit here all day long and tell newbies about life with the band.  But it seems meaningless from me, right now, because I'm a fat person gaining weight.  Yet I'd choose this device again any day in a heart beat.  I know that it works.  I know that it works well for me.  I know that quite a few of the cases I hear of it not working are not actually because of problems with the band but because someone doesn't want to do the work.  And I KNOW how hard it is to do the work.  All the time.  In the gym, in the kitchen, on the grill, in the pool.  It is work.  It is a commitment.


I know how easy it is to lose the commitment.  I know how hard it is to get back to being committed.


I know what skinny feels like now.  No, at 194 and 5'7", I was not skinny.  I was a size 16 or XL in pants.  I was a 12 or large in blouses.  But I know what I felt like at that size in those clothes.  I felt GOOD.  I was on the verge of 14 in pants and 10 in blouses.  I want that back.  For GOOD. 


I also know what pregnant felt like.  Odds are, another pregnancy won't feel the same.  Odds are I'll have new issues and new sensations.  But I know that turning weightloss off for the pregnancy was HARD.  Letting myself eat "that much" was a serious trick for my mind to pull off.  I struggled with "eating enough" in the beginning.  I was losing weight too fast with twins because I simply no longer new how to eat "that much".


I want twins again.  I want to not gain as much with the next pregnancy as I did with the last.  I want to not have a flap of belly skin hanging off my large belly.  I want to lose weight and deal with that flap.  No plastic surgeon would help me right now.  And I GOTTA do something about that.


So, believe it or not, I don't consider myself a failure.  I still consider myself a success.  Because no, I have not given up.  I said all along, from the get-go, way back when in September 2009 when I started this whole journey that I liked the band because it was a good option for me given that we still planned on having kids.  And I knew that pregnancy was going to play tricks on the weight.  I knew that there'd be this span in between pregnancies where I wanted it different but there wouldn't be enough time to do something about it.  Sadly, I took that notion, the not enough time given that we want the pregnancies so close together - and let that mean "anything goes" - and that's so very wrong.  But it taught me a lot!  It taught me how easy it is to lose track!  But here I am, exactly where I predicted.  And, as I've always predicted - I'm going to lose this weight.  For once and for all.  When the pregnancies are done.  In the end, I am the one that will have done all the work.  The notion that the lap-band is the tool that "lets" you lose weight is just wrong.  It's so wrong it's beyond wrong.  The lap-band does no such thing.  The PERSON does it all!  The band is a reminder.  Look at the successes.  Those who've lost it all and maintained for awhile. THEY did it.  They work out, they eat right 99% of the time, THEY do the work.  The band is a simple reminder.  It does not matter how filled it is.  Even empty, it's a reminder.  I'm always aware that it's there.  I have next to nothing in it right now and I had nothing in it for the entire pregnancy with the boys.  I still felt the food go down.  People get it removed - and still feel like it's there - because scar tissue is built up.  The band is always a reminder.  The brain just has to adjust!


So that's what I think.  Hurry up and wait.  Isn't that life?