So I'm up. In weight, that is. I'm finally writing an accountability blog and taking ownership for where I am. I'm laying it all out. It's funny about these laying-it-all-out-there blogs. They "usually" are a turning point for a person. Now, I don't expect much of a turning point for me because I expect to be pregnant soon! Therefore, losing weight is not my focus right now.
When I started my weightloss journey, I weighed 264.
When I had surgery I weighed 237.
When I got pregnant I weighed 195
Today I weigh 240.
There is my journey, skipping a few pitstops.
I am not mad at myself for this. I think it is beautiful why this is what it is. And if I had it to do all over again with the same decisions to make, I'd make them all again in exactly the same way up until approximately February of this year.
I knew I'd gain. I had no idea how much I'd gain, but I knew it would happen. It is why I wanted to get baby-making days behind me before I truly focused on goal weight.
195 was good for me. I felt great. I looked a gazillion times better. Hell, my abs were not sticking out further than my boobies. Clothes were getting back into the realm of fun to shop for and even could be flattering on me. I was not a fat girl anymore but just a chubby one. I had hope, too, that my skin was actually going to rebound satisfactorily.
I don't think I ever expected to level out at 45 pounds up after the dust settled from the pregnancy with the twins.
But...how could I not have? I am the one that did that - gained 45 pounds. Yep. I did that. I cannot blame that on the pregnancy. No, you can't tell me it was that and it's ok and it's part of the process.
Yes, it's ok. Yes, gaining is part of the process. But not all of those 45 pounds get that logic.
I had the babies. Literally 2.5 hours before my water broke I weighed 277.9. I was laughing all the way through the pregnancy as the scale number climbed and climbed and climbed. I did not hate that, it did not make me wince, it was beautiful to me. I grew two very healthy baby boys at the exact same time. Not many twin moms get to say that. Many twins are born prematurely and under 4 pounds. Many twins end up in the NICU and rarely get to go home with mom. My twins were born prematurely, yes, but weight was not an issue, one was 5lbs11oz and the other was 6lbs6oz. They were healthy and they have stayed that way. They did not spend a single night in the NICU and they did go home with me. So I would do what I did all over again.
When I got home from the hospital, 90 hours later (from the last time I weighed prior to my water breaking), I weighed 245. Ok, I thought. I was still swollen as all get out from 1) being pregnant and 2) all the fluids they pump you full of when you have an epidural AND a spinal.
By the beginning of November, I was down to 225.
Ok. Good! I can do 30 pounds. 30 pounds is very reasonable given that I just had twins.
And that is where that ends.
I was breast feeding. Breast feeding requires you to keep your calorie intake up. If you drop your calories, your supply drops. I know that to be true. Breast feeding made me gain weight. But, thinking, well then I must have plenty of stored energy, so I must not need to keep the calories up, I'd drop my calorie intake. And my supply, already not enough, would drop, too. Pick up the eating again, supply picked back up, too.
So, yes, I did in fact have to eat more.
I stayed at 225 until the middle of December.
From the middle of December to the beginning of February, I gained 20 pounds. So there I was, at 245.
Relax, you're telling me. I just had babies.
Yeah yeah yeah. You know what hearing that makes me want to do? Yell and scream 'stuff it'. If someone thinks telling me that is going to make me feel better then they aren't hearing what I'm not saying.
Like that? Have you figured out yet what I'm not saying?
Yep.
Wrong choices. All. Over. The. Place. Too much soda. Too much desert. Not enough protein. Bad choices left and right.
I did that. It was not my body readjusting from pregnancy. Ok, well, mostly not. Mostly it was me making wrong choices.
I did not get myself in check! I gave myself carte blanche to do whatever the hell I wanted whenever the hell I wanted to. "I had a higher metabolism right now", I'd say to myself.
In reality, I did not. In reality, even if I did, it was the wrong choice I was making more often than not.
The funny thing is through the pregnancy I did pretty well with my choices. It truly was post-partum that my choices became shoddy!
By the middle of March I was no longer breast-feeding and in severe pain from the endo. I was hospitalized for 5 days in March and did not eat a single meal that entire time as eating makes everything worse. Yeah, I lost.
By the time I'd had all my surgeries and whatnots, I was back down to 232.
Not bad. I can work with that.
But still. The bad choices did. not. stop.
Eventually my brain catches up. Eventually. I am smart but I never claimed to be quick. And that should read more like I "can be" smart.
Nearly two weeks ago now I realized we need to stop eating out. Know where that came from? Eating out so much?
When you have babies, you generally end up house-bound. I was tired of being house-bound from being on bedrest for so long. Granted, my bedrest was "easy". I did not have to lay in bed 24 hours a day for the four months that lasted. I just had to be home. I needed to have the ability to lie down as soon as I felt the need. But I did not have to be down all the time. Well. When the babies arrived, I was tired of being home. So eating out became something we could do. And it turned out, it was a nice break for the babies, too! Blue and Green love being out and about!!! So that's where the eating out came from. Once I went back to work, it then became an 'it's easier' thing.
I realized nearly two weeks ago that it's not easier. It completely disrupts routine. It's expensive. It's not healthy.
And now here we are.
The scale didn't respond immediately to that. In fact, the scale continued to climb.
So now what, I think?
Bad choices, Lori. Too much soda.
Soda is done. I can have one a day. When I was at my best for losing weight prior to getting pregnant, I never said no soda. I am not a "no x" kinda gal. If I can't do it forever, it's not part of my plan. In my pre-pregnancy days, I drank water at work and I was allowed one soda at home in the evenings or on weekends. And much of the time, I didn't actually get me one of them things out of our fridge completely stocked with soda, beer and wine that lives in the garage. So I'm back to that.
Drinking all the water I should be is making a difference.
What else? My protein has been back up where it should be for about a month now. So no worries there.
My carb intake is ok. If I don't get enough, my brain goes wonky. I'm not doing no or low carb. I am choosey about my carbs, but that's pretty normal for me.
What else? Sweets. Sweets are out of control for me right now. Sweets are a work in progress. I know sweets were something I wanted pre-pregnancy, too, and that I had found things that worked for me. Those things were homemade goods, things I could control the ingredients in. I know I need to do some baking at home, I want to, it would help. But finding the time...argh. I think I can get something baked this weekend and start to make progress there. I also know that being cognizant of this as a problem is likely to help, too.
Finally. Just the simple calorie count. I'm eating too many of them. I have not yet done a day where I track things because I do not yet want to know. I do know I need to get back to my banking idea. In my little world, pre-pregnancy, the week mattered more than the day. And following a day where "I ate a lot", I usually would have a day where I wanted very little. I am not sure where I actually fall on the spectrum of calories right now, though. I know that I am only eating when I'm hungry, though, so it is what it is.
It does not help that the band is not optimal. It is not in effect for me right now. I do not have to eat slow or chew well.
But all this has taught me something.
Pre-pregnancy, I did not have to eat slow or chew well, either. I ate cookies every day and allowed myself a soda, as well, which I may or may not have consumed. My band has had two episodes of being too tight and that caused major problems. In general, though, my band has been a vague reminder and nothing more.
What I learned is what I suspected all along. Losing weight was not attributable to the band. It was attributable to me. In the pre-pregnancy days when I was losing it was because I made the right choice much more often than not. It was because I chose to work out. It was because I did the work. I stopped doing the work - and I gained - but I needed to, for the most part.
And here I am. Realizing that I need to make better choices. I may not yet be ready to get back to losing. But that doesn't mean I can get away with poor choices.
So that is where I am today. I am not yet ready to turn on my weight loss switch again. I am, however, ready, to get back to basics. Eat well. Chose wisely. It's not that I can't have sweets. It's the sweets that I choose and the frequency with which they are allowed. It's not that I can't have sodas or sweetened coffee. It's the frequency. My move to eat at home was the start of getting back to basics. But it's only a small component. And in the end, I may not be worried today about the number the scale feeds back to me, but I do need to worry about what's floating through my arteries and veins. I do need to worry about where my energy is coming from. Hell, I think cleaning things up could even help with the endo! What you put in is what you get out!
So here I am. I put myself here and that is all. It's on me to get myself back where I want me. And right now, that's just making better choices and keeping it real.
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I LOVE your accountability. :)
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